CARLSBAD CAVERNS NATIONAL PARK
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Let me first say that Carlsbad Caverns is amazing and should definitely be visited. It offers a phenomenal insight into what Mother Nature is capable of when left to her own devices. … So after taking in the stunning views of this amazing natural monument, I’d be down to grub up on some food served by such a prestigious national park. What they have to offer here however is the exact opposite of what you will have just experienced 800+ feet underground. The cavern is incredibly breathtaking, but the food here is absurdly bad.
They call it a restaurant but it’s more like a sad high school cafeteria, a sadfeteria if you will. The menu is presented as some sort of Southwestern-type deal but don’t let the fancy names fool you, the food is actually as generic as it comes. I got the Prickly Pear BBQ Pulled Pork Torta. There was nothing “torta-esque” about this sandwich. Tortas are traditionally loaded to the brim with different toppings and meats and are, in my opinion, sitting in a gem-encrusted throne atop the sandwich world. This sandwich was not that. It was a meat blob encased in an admittedly decent roll. No extras on it at all.
Paul D. Phoenix, AZ
CRATER LAKE NATIONAL PARK
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
There’s an amazingly deep and creepy lake. There’s a crappy lodge where they have mac and cheese. In the summertime, there are pestilent yogurt-guzzling hordes. In the winter, the wind is fierce. There’s a regular son-of-a-bitch cop-in-training, he must be at least 20 now, who will pull you over simply for being the only car in the park in the middle of winter. Never mind we drove 500 miles and paid to be there. First thing out of his mouth was, “How much marijuana have you smoked today?” I should have scraped some horse shit off my boots for him to sample, but sadly I was too pissed at him to think of that.
I can’t stand cops who fish for crimes where there aren’t any. Here’s to you, lame-ass Oregon cop.
Jared L. Auburn, CA
DEATH VALLEY NATIONAL PARK
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
I have lived in places ranging from by the ocean to in the desert, and I have to say this is the ugliest place I have ever seen. Most deserts at least have some color to them, creating their own special beauty—not here. There is a bit of color near the entrance and a tiny bit inside, otherwise I paid $20 for nothing but nasty rock and salt.
Tony G. Gilbert, AZ
GRAND CANYON NATIONAL PARK
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Went to the Grand Canyon this past week, and let me tell you, it’s a big ole waste of time! There was dirt EVERYWHERE, and the hiking trail was too long! Also where are the vending machines?? And nowhere to charge my phone! It’s way too deep to even see the bottom! The only thing that saved this trip were the crab enchiladas we ate down the road at Plaza Bonita. BEST MEXICO FOOD EVER! Grand Canyon—more like Grand Blandyon.
Gina M. Los Angeles
SEQUOIA NATIONAL PARK
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
This place is dangerous. There are bears, mountain lions, and, worst of all, sketchy people. Hide your wives, hide your kids, hide your husbands, because they will come through your window. I have spent countless nights all over this park, and I am never not disappointed. There are bugs and stuff, and they will bite you on your face. They are really hands-off when it comes to tourism. They don’t even offer a helicopter tour. Do they not want to make money?
Anyway, if I could give this place zero stars I would, for the sole reason of only have two vending machines.
Joe B. Oakland, CA
YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
I’ve traveled all across the States, and this is by far the worst place I’ve been so far. I think it may have to do more with personal preference and values, but here’s what’s up. So the park itself is nothing grand. There’s mountains, trees, and lakes. Nothing too spectacular. The one thing that makes this place different from other parks is the geysers. Was extremely underwhelmed. They look SO much better in the pictures. If you want a similar look, just boil a pot of water at home.
Kat C. LaGrange Park, IL
YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
I will never go back to this hellhole.
It was crowded. But crowded can be OK. It’s that the people here were rude. Low-class. Scum. Trailer trash. That kind of rude. I saw people breaking branches off trees to make walking sticks. Collecting pine cones to bring home. Picking up rocks. Throwing trash. People pushing and shoving. Can’t wait their turn to take a photo. Can’t wait in line. Won’t stay on the trails. So many people that there are rangers herding people around like cows. Housing in the valley was total crap. Reminded me of an African refugee camp.
I did enjoy Glacier Point. But other than that, I think the park was total crap. Will never go there again. Big waste of time and money.
Anrana S. Wayland, MD