Anti-RomComs For Valentine’s Day

2.11.2022

Happy Anti-Valentine’s Day. For some people, Valentine’s Day is an occasion for schmaltzy greeting cards, long-stemmed red roses, and super sweet rom-coms. As you may have guessed, we are not those people. Keep your candy hearts; we’ll take Nordic Noir, kickass female leads, black magic and blurred lines between the living and dead. So gather up your girlfriends for a Galentine’s viewing party or cozy up with your love on the couch, because we’ve got the ultimate selections to get your heart racing for your Anti-Valentine’s Day celebration.

Huguette discovers a new talent.
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Happily Married

We have a feeling no one’s celebrating Valentine’s Day in this friendship group made up of two couples, the Delisles and the Paquettes. “Happily Married” might be a *bit* of a misnomer, since the husbands and wives in these duos are at best cheating on their spouses and at worst, threatening to murder each other at gunpoint. In this Canadian dark comedy set in Quebec City in the 70’s, the couples discover a very unconventional way to spice up their marriages: a murderous crime rampage.

Saga Noren leaves no stone, nor bone, unturned.

The Bridge

If we had to choose our Anti-Valentine’s Day spokesperson, it might be Swedish Investigator Saga Noren. She doesn’t believe in relationships, camaraderie, or even small talk. But when half of a dead body is found on each side of the bridge that connects Denmark and Sweden, Saga must find a way to work with sociable, jovial Danish inspector Martin Rohde and vice versa. If the opposite of a rom-com exists, this is it.

Sometimes we ask, “why me?”.

Persona

Homicide Detective Nevra Elmas is tired of the bullshit. Tired of her sexist, misogynistic coworkers on the homicide squad and tired of her catty girlfriends who don’t understand her career aspirations. But fortunately for her, her frustration only makes her more determined as she investigates a series of murders which seem to have a bizarre personal connection to her.

Little do you know... this fashionable lady is about to kick some ass.

Nox

This horror flick turned crime drama has all the dark anti-Valentine’s content you never knew you needed: a hellish underground, masked, murderous figures, uncovered human remains, and a dark, mysterious force. Somewhere in the dank, sprawling catacombs beneath Paris, some three times the square footage of the city, policewoman Julie Susini is missing. Julie’s mother, hard nosed retired Police Captain Catherine Suisini forces Julie’s partner, Raphael Berger, to help find her, and creepiness ensues.

Nothing comes between a girl and her bike.

The Millenium Trilogy: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played With Fire, and The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest (US only)

You might say Lisbeth Salander isn’t one for romance. In fairness to her, no one’s ever really wooed her with love and tenderness. In contrast, she’s suffered a lifetime of abuse, and it manifests itself in her rageful need for revenge against all who have wronged her. Watch her kick ass six ways to Sunday whether that’s solving a series of gruesome murders in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, investigating a sex-trafficking ring while fleeing her own murder charge in The Girl Who Played With Fire, or trying to clear her name and confronting her past in The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest.

Sarah Lund never gives up.

The Killing

You won’t find Detective Sarah Lund wearing anything with hearts on it. Nope, she’ll be rocking her legendary black and white Faroe Isle knit sweater per usual, as she slowly becomes consumed by obsession with every grim, complex murder case she tries to solve. The first involves the brutal murder of a teenage girl, a growing list of suspects, and serious political implications. In lieu of chocolates, sink your teeth into this dark and tasty Scandi Noir treat from Denmark, streamed exclusively on Topic in the US.

A bit more sinister than the Death of Marat.

Beau Sejour

“Beau sejour” translates to “nice stay,” but it’s hardly that for Kato Hoeven, who wakes up in her hotel room in a bathtub of her own blood and somehow has to solve her own murder. Talk about getting into the Anti-Valentine’s spirit! Caught between the world of the living and dead, Kato eventually identifies five people who can see and hear her. Is one of them her murderer? In her search to uncover the truth Kato will discover that a lot of secrets lie dormant under the surface of her supposedly peaceful village community.

A quiet cleaning lady or keeper of secrets...

Helvetica

The best cure for the lovelorn? Pure, unadulterated escapism. You’ll find it in this Swiss political thriller, where tensions and excitement run high. Grab a big bowl of popcorn and dig in as new Swiss President, Kathy Kunz, deals with political corruption and a hostage crisis in Yemen, while Tina, a cleaning lady-turned-double agent (yes, you read that right) plays a pivotal role in the international crisis.

These kidnappers are not playing around.

Hostages

There are worse things than an overly sentimental, corporate-created holiday. Like, say, a group of masked men taking your family hostage and demanding you kill the Israeli prime minister in exchange for their release. Celebrate Anti-Valentine’s Day with Dr. Yael Danon and this heart-racing Israeli drama. Dr. Danon has to get creative to buy herself time and figure out how to avoid breaking her do-no-harm oath while protecting her husband and two children. In the meantime, Adam, the leader of the hostage-takers has issues with infighting, as well as a compelling backstory of his own.

Dialo and Chloe investigate deeper.

Iskander

For the complete opposite of a treacly, heart-filled greeting card, look no further than Iskander. A blood-spattered crime scene, a mutilated corpse, a missing child. And that’s just day 1 on the job for rookie Parisian cop Chloé Bresson on her new assignment in French Guiana. Enjoy cleansing your overly sweet Valentine’s palate with what Screen-Queens.com called a “Whirlwind Voodoo Nightmare.”

Death is just the beginning.

Intruders

Sometimes (cough, cough, Anti-Valentine’s Day) you just want creepy, and Intruders is just what the doctor ordered. In this paranormal thriller, members of a secret society called Qui Reverti (“those who have returned”) seek immortality by hiding their souls in the bodies of other people. How Qui Reverti ties back to ex-cop Jack Whalen’s missing wife, a sinister man on a killing spree, and a girl on the run are all part of this eerie, enthralling series. Intruders has an impressive pedigree both behind and in front of the camera; it’s written, produced and developed by Glen Morgan, the co-writer/executive producer of “The X-Files,” and stars both Mira Sorvino and Millie Bobby Brown.

In Soul City, sleep can be restorative or a trap.

Soul City

The best place to celebrate Anti-Valentine’s Day? New Orleans. If you can’t be there in person, watching it come to life in Soul City is the next best thing. This Topic Original three-part horror anthology, set and shot in New Orleans, taps into the “Twilight Zone” version of the Big Easy and all its dark and magical mythology. In this box of ominous treats, you’ll sample a little girl’s drawings that have dark powers beyond the page, a magical pillow that’s anything but a dream come true, and the steep price of a deal made many years ago.

Will one phone call unravel Katie Bonner’s life?

The Accidental Wolf

Relationships, schmelationships. Think Katie Bonner has time for relationships? She’s kind of busy trying to “help Tala” as she’s been instructed to do on a seemingly accidental phone call she receives where she overhears a man’s murder. She’s already cast aside her boring life as a privileged Manhattan housewife to delve into a world of deception, trafficking, and a military coverup in Sierra Leone. Watch as our very own Spirit of St. Anti-Valentine’s gains confidence, becomes more determined and takes greater risks the more obsessed she becomes and the deeper she delves into the mystery